HGTV Star and Food Network Star! A Recap and Rant...Part Three

HGTV STAR! REAL CLIENTS!!

This is one of those ‘real life’ challenges, where the designtestants are tasked with creating a space for a ‘real’ person, or in this case, a ‘real’ couple. Then they throw in the team challenge aspect and you know it’s gonna four trainwrecks, with one that turns out to be slightly less heinous than the others.

Each team of designers was given a nearly-identical, newly-built apartment and told to design an apartment in which ‘real’ couple Kacey and Rossi would want to live. Some designers scored, while others—most of the others—bored.

Let’s rip …. Starting with the best of the not so good:

TIFFANY AND BROOKS

In their interview with Kacey and Rossi, Brooks and Tiffany learned that Rossi loves motorcycles and Kacey loves Italy. Now that’s a design Trainwreck in the making. Luckily, Brooks and Tiffany didn’t go all motorcycling through Tuscany in the space.

Brooks bought the edge—as in his motorcycle “inspired” wall stripes, while Tiffany brought some Tuscan warmth to the room. I liked the stripes; I didn’t like the way Tiffany hung the art on the stripes. It made the wall look like it was leaning to the right; had the art been placed in a descending left orientation, then it would have counterbalanced the downward dogginess of Brook’s stripe.

That said, in Tiffany’s warm, Tuscan inspired accessorizing, she placed a bunch of unmatched pottery on the table. Had she set the pieces in the center, in some kind of arrangement, it wouldn’t have looked like the last hour of a day-long yard sale.

But, the room had the modern edge that Rossi wanted, along with some earthy pieces that Kacey liked, so the couple picked Brooks and Tiffany’s room.

Now, all I ask is proof that the couple actually moved into the apartment and left it as is.

BORIS AND ABBY

Boris opens his mouth so wide I am seriously afraid that he will one day eat another designer. It’s scary. And then we have Abby, of the wacky hats, because wacky hats say good designer; combine that with her over-the-top personality and the fact that she seems to think her design aesthetic will cure cancer, and I loathe this team.

This room wasn’t modern, and wasn’t Tuscan—I mean, the couple said they were both from Italy and yet the room has a more global Moroccan vibe. The wall color is pretty, but the furniture is bland. I wanted Wow and got Yawn.

Until the elimination room when Boris opened his yap and tried to take credit for a bookcase that Abby picked out. I wanted to see that fight continue backstage, but all we got was The Goiter and her over use of that hip new happening phrase for 2013: ‘Fer sure.’

Boris got dinged for using tape and paint to create faux crown molding, mainly because he couldn’t be bothered to paint the ‘molding’ without the color bleeding through the tape. Helpful hint from Bob: when using tape and paint to create a stripe—or faux molding effect—paint over the tape with the wall color, and then paint the accent color between the taped sections. The use of the tape and the paint stops the bleed-through.

They were both safe this week.

ANNE AND JERIBAI

Anne and Jeribai learned that the couple loves Italy and country music. M’kay. Oh, and they love wine. So, apparently Italy/Country Music/Wine says paint one wall Navy; I guess.

And, Jeribai Of The Cute Smile? Um, when the show gives you a painter, Howsabout letting them do the painting? Jeribai decided that since he does painted stripes, he’d do painted stripes, and then spent one entire day painting stripes while his painters went to lunch; or stole Anne’s draperies.

Yes. It happened again. Week One, Anne’s sheets didn’t make it into her space and she was almost sent home so Week Two Anne made a big point of getting the sheets and won the challenge. Week Three Anne’s drapes don’t make it into the room, so I’m guessing next week she’ll focus on drapes and win. Or something.

It’s a nice room; it’s a safe room. It’s a room without drapes. It’s also the room that The Goiter tells us has the best painted wall strip she has ever seen; and that says something …

It says The Goiter is an idiot. It also says Anne and Jeribai are safe.

TYLOR AND CRIS

These two, again. Last week they weren’t so good and this week they’re terrible. Last week we had Tylor’s junked car arty work and this week we get Cris’ badly painted Thought For The Day artwork.

But that wasn’t the worst mistake. That would be Tylor’s choice of wall color, which Vern likened to a hospital in that it made him sick. And then throw in the furniture pieces, the lack of any art other than Cris’ nightmare, with a side helping of Tylor’s weird, why is it there, stripe, and the room look less apartment and more motel room where Benson and Stabler found that dead hooker.

And that doesn’t get you the promise of your own TV show that will never air, so Tylor and Cris are both sent packing.

MY TAKE

Lose.The.Goiter. Fer sure. I mean, when the most intelligent thing she said all night contained the word ‘barfy’ she has no place on design shows.

Make the designers design.  I swear, this show is about shopping and product placement and the One King’s Lane accessory wall—blatantly stolen from project Runway.

Vern? Go home.

Finally, what’s a Sabrina Soto?

FOOD NETWORK STAR! MOVIE NIGHT!!

The task this week was also a team challenge, so you just know it’s gonna be awful. Plus, the teams had to create a movie trailer—based on a film genre, Western, Musical, or Romance—that would play at the movie theater enticing an audience to pick their food.

Over.Reaching. Howsabout telling the chefs to cook and then judging them on their cooking ability? Let’s rip….

Team Western: Russell, Nikki and Stacey

Their movie trailer hurt to watch. Seriously. I wanted to crawl back in time to Tylor and Cris’ hospital colored room and puke.

Russell says he wants to go all Spaghetti Western, and make spaghetti with Bison, Bourbon and Bacon. He says it’s an homage to Fellini, who sadly, didn’t make Spaghetti Westerns; that would be Sergio Leone.

Nikki wants to make Chili, with a meat accent because, don’t forget, she’s the Meat On The Side girl, while Stacey says cowboys and campfires remind her of S’Mores so she’ll do a chocolate, marshmallow, popcorn, graham cracker S’More. Note to Stacey: S’More says Girl Scouts. Just sayin’.

Team Western had the best perfromance of the day, though Ryussell's sin this week was bland pasta. Nikki's Chili was a high point, and Stacey's S'More s'cored.

Team Romance: Viet, AKA BD Wong, Chad, and Damaris

For this group, romance says Korean Chicken Wing a la Chad, followed by Damaris’ sexy Shrimp’n’Grits—a dish she can make in her sleep—and Macerated Berries with Yogurt Cream by Viet.

I called it Romancing the Toilet.

They started off strong, getting most of the orders at first, but ultimately came in last place with the number of diners who wanted their food.

Chad's wings--and his adorable smile--are a hit, though his on-camera porn-esque romanticism didn't score with the judges, although I got a tingle from his Spicy Hardness. Damaris' I-can-make-this-in-my-sleep grist needed salt, while Viet's Berries and Sparkly Creme were a big miss.

Team Musical: Rodney, Chris and Lovely

They sing; badly. And then the singer of the group—Rodney—cannot be understood when he’s singing. I suggested a movie trailer with subtitles.

Rodney decided to make a sjsdhf oHhf lkhhdsf pie—loosely translated as Steak and Gruyere pie—but his crust is bland. Chris goes for Lobster and Chorizo Mac’n’Goat Cheese, which I’m thinking sounds musicals only when you’re passing gas after eating the dish. Lovely does donuts with Caramel Sauce but, because she’s a chef trying to get her own show, she uses pre-packaged pizza dough for the donuts.

Krispy Kreme say what?

THE OUTCOME

Team Western scores, though the judges were not thrilled with Russell’s not-so-sinful pasta, but the Chili and the S’More saved him.

Viet was up for elimination, partially because his desert was bland, and partially because his on-camera persona is bland. But he gets saved.

That leaves us with Rodney the Mumbler and Lovely the Bad Donut Maker. Who goes, the one who made the bad pie or the one who made the dish that was inedible; and not because it tasted bad, but because those Pizza-dough-nuts were so hard you could not chew them.

Lovely. Pack your knives and go.

MY TAKE

It’s a cooking show, so let them cook. When you take chefs with different styles and experience and make them cook together as a team, you are not getting the essence of a good chef, or a good show.

If you were, then we’d have Giada and Alton and Bobby Flay all on one show together.

Let.Them.Cook. And judge them on their cooking and their on-camera style.

And, seriously, Bobby Flay must use this show to get laid because he always praises the pretty girls, ignores the not-so-pretty ones, and rarely speaks to the guys.

And make Giada stop saying spa-gate-TEE. It’s annoying.