I Ain't One To Gossip, But....

Kim Kash Kow Kardashian is so incensed at being flourbombed at her event to promote her new "scent"--and god only knows what that is--that she has decided to press charges against the Bisquick Bomber.

She told E!--the channel that whores out all the Kardashians--that, “I don’t want someone to think they can really get away with that. So we are going to handle that.”

And then she goes on to say, or try to say, that the "event" wasn't for the launch of her odor-de-toilet, but a charity event for Dress For Success. Now, it might have been both, but you know Kash Kow only hoisted her fat ass down there to promote her own fat ass.

Kash Kow: “Now that I think about it and had some time to digest it, I think, ‘What if that was some other substance? What if that person had a dangerous weapon?’ It’s scary. And what’s even scarier is this woman acted as if she was a part of the press. She just came out of nowhere! And so we are definitely changing things up a little bit, amping up security, taking some measures, and…I’m gonna definitely deal with it because it is not acceptable.”

Poor Kim! What if it was something else? Like talcum powder! Baby powder! Baking soda!

Oh, the humanity.

Me thinks someone is just trying to ride the Poor-Me-I-Made-A- Sex-Tape-To-Get-Famous-Whored-Myself-Out-On-TV-Married-A-Man-I-Didn't-Love-For-A-Few-Hours-Divorced-Him-Kept-The-Gifts-And-Then-Got-Bisquicked Pity Party Train.

STFU KKKK.

Oh man, this is way off the Skank-o-Meter.

It seems that fresh from rehab, though still looking like a party hog, Gerard Butler has been spending time with Jailbird-prescription-med-jewel-thief-kidnapper-party-girl Lindsay Lohan.

Seriously. Ick.

Now, this isn't the first time Lohan has been, um, Butler’d. There was talk of the two Walking STDs doing the nasty back in Ott-Nine, but now word is that they're back at it.

Again. Ick.

I mean, there isn't a petri dish big enough to hold that germ-a-paloooza. It would take full body condoms, you know?

Seriously. Wherever these two are hooking up needs to be swathed completely in latex, and then properly disposed of after the co-mingling.

And, speaking of co-mingling.

Last week, Rihanna was spotted visiting Ashton Kutcher’s bachelor pad and then leaving--er, make that, doing the walk of shame--at around 4AM. Now, it's not quite as icky as ButlerLohan, but still, RihannaAshton isn't exactly, um, monogamous.

Now, some are saying it ain't so, but let';s look at the history.

Ashton is a man-whore who couldn't keep his Kutcher contained when he was married, and, well, Rihanna's track record with men is questionable at best.

But some are saying that Rihanna might actually be using Ashton’s place as a cover so she can hook back up with the guy who beat her, Chris Brown. Now, sick as this is, it does make sense since Ashton is supposedly still dating a woman who is the spitting image of his mother, Demi Moore--albeit a few hundred years younger.

Whatever it is, Ashton and Rihanna, or Rihanna and Chris Brown, I think Hollywood is gonna need a Silkwood scrub down. 

STAT.

Naomi Campbell is engaged.

To a married man.

That's soooooo 21st century.

But her, um, fiancé, Vladimir Doronin, has been married to Ekaterina for 24 years, although Rumor Has It--hat tip to Adele....god I love Adele...but I digress--Vlad and Ekaterina have been separated for more than a decade.

The only thing standing in the way of Naomi and Vlad's happy nuptials, is, of course, money. Vlad isn't keen on giving up half of his multi-billion-dollar fortune to his wife, so he can marry Model and Olympic Cellphone Hurler, Naomi.

And Naomi don't like it. I mean, she is Vlad's "official" girlfriend, she moved to Moscow to be closer to him, they vacation together and they walk the red carpet together, but Vlad spends holidays with Ekaterina and their daughter.

Hmm,  fiancé sounds an awful lot like whore.

Makes me almost feel sorry for Naomi.

Almost.

More on the Lindsay Lohan hit-and-run.

It seems there was a surveillance camera in the parking lot that night and it show some interesting stuff.

Like, there was no “paparazzi swarm” around Lindsay’s car.

Like, Lindsay was behind the wheel after she had ALLEGEDLY  been drinking.

Like, Lindsay actually spoke to Thaer Kamal, the man she hit, and told him, "F%k you!"

And now, ALLEGEDLY Camp Lohan--which is Dina and bunch of her chardonnay drinking lady friends from Long Island--are trashing Kamal.

Like, they ALLEGEDLY said Kamal was being investigated for several counts of filing false insurance claims. But, um, that ain't true.

Kamal’s powerhouse mouthpieces, er, lawyers, Mark Geragos and Tamar Arminak, are looking into who has been slandering their client and if it turns out to have come from Camp Crazy, well, then, in addition to suing Lohan for running him over, Kamal may sue her for slander.

Poor Lindsay.

If she's learn to keep her mouth shut she'd stay out of trouble.

I mean, she wouldn't speak; she wouldn't guzzle Grey Goose by the keg, and she wouldn't be swallowing all sorts of prescription meds.

Win-win.